Dealing with Disagreements

It is certain.  You will not always agree with everyone with whom you are forced to interact.  You might believe that the President is perfect and has never made a mistake.  Or you might believe him a demonic leader who has never made a right decision.  Either way between 40 and 99 % of the World's population  will strongly disagree with you.  That is life.  If you are married to one who adores you, nevertheless, your spouse will strongly disapprove of some of your actions and on somedays it will appear to be ALL of your actions.  You might be working  for a time (long or short) with the most Godly person you have ever met.  Nevertheless, it is almost certain you will each from time to time find yourself not in agreement with something that has been done.

The issue in life is not how to avoid ever having a disagreement.  The issue is how do we handle the situation when we do disagree.  The apostle Paul in his letter to the Called Out Ones at Corinth noted that the outcome of such disagreements can be that those who are approved by God will be brought to light. Which are the ones approved by God?  Those are the ones who handle the conflict without destroying the relationship.  This can indeed be very difficult to do.  It becomes all the more difficult when our relationships are ones with a history of prior conflicts.  Thus, it is often difficult to know when we are approaching a tipping point when a simple disagreement will spill over into harsh and painful conflict.  This is especially true with people who have chosen to remain self-contained and hidden.  

Obviously, given that numerous books have been written on the subject of conflict resolution, this little blog entry cannot do the whole subject justice.  But, there are a few points worthy of refreshing in our recollection:

In Ephesians Paul makes reference to our forebearing one another.  A long time friend of mine, Bill Eschmann, often quipped a bit of great wisdom, "Forebearing is the four bearings that lets the church move smoothly."   Practically every human being has some mannerism that can be annoying.  I was on a plane sitting next to a newly commissioned Ensign in the U.S.Navy.  She is bright, articulate, and appropriately friendly.  However,  most of the time she was awake beside me she was continually shaking her right leg up and down in a little vibration.  Was it mildly annoying?  Yes.  Was it so annoying that I should speak about it?  No.  It was simply a little mannerism that I needed to forebear until she went back to sleep or until we parted friends at our destination.   But what if her mannerism was to strike matches and throw them on the floor, or to pull out a loaded gun and twirl it around her finger,  because these behaviors would actually endanger her and the people around her they would not be appropriate to simply forebear.  Moreover, what we can or should forebear depends also on our relationship.  If your spouse squeezes the toothpaste tube differently than you like, forebear it and go buy a second tube of toothpaste for yourself.  But, if your spouse insists on having a light by which to read and this disrupts your sleep.  You cannot simply forebear because the issue will eventually endanger both your health and your relationship.

Another issue that impacts this arena is integrity.  We can forebear many things, but what happens if the person for whom we are forebearing asks us a question.  Take my Navy Ensign friend from above:  If over the course of our flight we developed a relationship and she asks me for advice. Suppose she asks me, "Stuart, you were an Ensign once is there anything you can see that I might  improve so that I can excel in my career as an officer?"  If I answer, "No",  I have denied the truth I know.  I must either refuse to answer the question or answer her with the problem I see and the ways I see it will hurt her relationships with senior officers and with personnel who look to her for leadership.  So one of the ways to avoid causing things that would have been foreborn to break out into conflict is to not ask questions to which you are not willing to hear the answers.

But, as you know some people will give you answers to questions you were not asking.  And sometimes we receive answers to things we ask that are very different than the ones we wanted and expected to hear.  What do you do when you have been doing your very best.  Then some one asked or unasked gives you an evaluation that you have failed miserably.  Ouch, that hurts!  This is the point at which some spiritual grounding can make the difference between a minor bit of pain and major conflict which will destroy a relationship which God the Father values deeply.

When we find ourselves in this situation the single most important thing we can do is take control over that initial reaction of fear and rage.  The way to take that control is to come back to a simple but profound truth.  We are LOVED perfectly by God just exactly the way we are.  This truth is very  important to us because perfect love casts out all fear.  Yes fear is the problem here.  Fear of being guilty, of being disrespected, of being devalued etc. etc.  But God in his love values us and respects us and sets us free from all guilt etc. etc.  Our anger, our rage, our hurtness all arises not from the way others treat us but from our reactions to our own fears.  Come first back to the reality that because we are perfectly loved no one has the power to threaten our real well being.

Second remember a beautiful truth a brother taught me.  We all learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.  So if some one has dropped a bomb into the middle of your perspective, ask a couple questions.  Ones like:  "I see you have given this some thought and you are seeing things I have not really thought through, please tell me more about what you mean and what you are saying?"  It is very important to make your critic your ally to help you learn, not your enemy against whom you are marshalling a defense.  Your critics may or may not be right but one thing for certain they are seeing things from a different perspective than you are.  If you can maintain the perspective that this person is sent by God to expand your point of view, you can avoid being defensive.

Speaking of your defense:  His name is Jesus not self-justification.  We never need to defend ourselves.  We never need to defend God's works done through us.  Jesus is our sole defense.

After you have drawn out from your critic all the advice and input he/she is willing to give, conclude the conversation with a simple statement.  "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective with me.  I will think these things through and take them up with Holy Spirit.  I am sure He will show me how best to apply all these ideas.  I thank you for sharing them with me I know it is never easy to say challenging things to another person."

Now let's also consider for a bit what not to do:  Never respond to criticism by attacking your critic.  For 3 reasons:  Such contention just reveals your own pride; Such contention makes your critic your enemy instead of your supporter; and, Such contention makes you blind to what God is teaching you in the moment.

If you are the critic, whether willingly or unwillingly, if the one you are criticising attacks you, DO NOT RESPOND IN KIND.  If he/she insists on remaining in the attack mode, simply withdraw from the conversation. Do not become embroiled in an exchange of accusations.

Receive PEACE from the Prince of Peace,

Love to all,

His, thus Yours,

Stuart