What is the Real Problem

The capacity of people to rationalize and self-justify is amazing.

"Did you take out the garbage ?" --  "No.  But, I was distracted by a phone call from Aunt Mabel."

"Yes, God, I know you want me to stop watching pornography.  But, I have needs." 

"No, officer, I didn't stop at the stop sign but I slowed down and looked both ways."

"Darling, I am so sorry it hurt your feelings when I screamed.  But, you just wouldn't listen to me."

Notice in these real-world examples the things that are not said.

"Actually, I care so little about our home and household that it really wasn't important to me to take out the garbage."

"God, I am really more important than you are and I get to do what I want regardless of what you want."

"Officer I really don't care what the law says and I don't care who gets in an accident, because I'm not paying attention."

"Darling my failure, my loss of self-control, is your fault not mine.  In fact, it's really God's fault.  He is the one who gave you to me."

My dear friend, the late John Moreland, was often heard to say, "Do not ruin a perfectly good apology by making an excuse."  It has often been said, "The way to tell sheep from goats is that goats are always butting."

In the Scriptures we are taught that Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  And that repentance from our evil ways is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship with God the Father.  Please, notice that not all sorrow leads to repentance; only Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  So, you ask, "What is the difference?"

Consider Esau, the Old Testament brother of Jacob, in Hebrews we are told that Esau could find no place of repentance even though he sought it with tears.  Why could Esau find no place of repentance?  He could not find it because his sorrow was not Godly. What, you say, he obviously was sorrowful.  He even cried.  That's true, but what was his sorrow for?  Esau had great sorrow over the fact that his father gave the birthright to his brother.  When you go back and read the Old Testament account, you see that Esau's regret was because he lost the birthright.  Esau never expressed regret that he had despised the birthright that was given to him by God.  Esau never expressed regret that he traded that valuable gift of God for a simple bowl of vegetarian soup.  He chose not to use the talents God had given him as a great hunter.  Instead, he let his brother do the work.  (It's much like many modern church goers who despise their birthright to hear God in exchange for letting a brother do the work and prepare a sermon.)

Many of the "apologies" that I hear currently express no regret for the underlying sin that was committed by the one apologizing.  Instead, what is offered are regrets about the consequences of what was done.  Husbands are often heard to say they are sorry that the wife's feelings were hurt.  Some even go so far as to ask forgiveness for hurting her feelings.  The problem with this approach is it is based in deception.  The husband is not responsible for the wife's feelings.  She is responsible for her internal feelings.  He has no control over what she chooses to feel.  But he is responsible for how he has acted.  He's responsible if he treated her with anger and rage rather than with love and gentleness.  He's responsible if he was thoughtless and uncaring about her needs or the needs of the household.  An apology for hurting her feelings is a deception.  First, it is a deception to try to convince the wife that she is not in control of her own feelings; that he controls her feelings.  Second, it is a deception, because it is a pretense of taking responsibility.  But it's actually denying responsibility for his actions which he could control.

There is a way to solve these problems.  Each of us must learn how to express our repentance truthfully.  First, figure out what was done that was actually wrong.  What has God given the responsibility for that was not done?  What commitment was made that was not fulfilled?  What was done that was prohibited?  Once we have the answer to that question, we go to the one offended and become very specific.  For example, one might say, "Darling, I was wrong.  When I failed to take out the trash I was not treating our home with the value that God has said it has.  I repent, and as God gives grace I will value our home correctly in the future.  Please, forgive me?" And, please, take note that the word "but" in an apology usually introduces our excuse as to why we are not really responsible.

It is unfortunate when our children, our disciples, our loved ones, and the world rarely hear men of God admit that they are wrong and ask for forgiveness.  But if we choose not to let them see it, how will they know what to do when they have done something wrong?

When we come before the God of the universe, forgiveness is readily available.  It was already paid for by the blood of Jesus.  However, the promise of God is when we confess our sins, He will not only forgive our sins, but, also cleanse us from all the unrighteousness.  When we choose not to identify our sins, we make it impossible to confess them.  In our relationships with God and with other people, we must come to the place of recognizing what we have done wrong.  In the Kingdom of God wrongs can be made right.  But, the man who cannot see what he's done wrong will simply continue in the unrighteousness of it.  He will do it again and again and again, because he has never come to grips with the real problem.

I pray for each of us that we would allow the Holy Spirit's spirit of truth to so transform us that we would be able to admit even to ourselves the things that we have done wrong and find the freedom that God offers.

His, thus yours,

Stuart

The Decision

One of my dearest friends recently told me in an email things he had decided to do.  As I was about to click the send button, Father prompted me to offer a copy of my response to you also.

Dear _____________,

Here is the fundamental question with which you must wrestle to a real conclusion:

Does Jesus have the final authority over all your decisions ?

Father God has undertaken to prove to you His love for you.

The Holy Spirit has been speaking with you on a regular basis.

But, the crucial question is whether Jesus is Lord or not.

He has proven himself to be the one who loves and forgives.

He has proven himself to be your provider.

He has healed your body such that despite the destructive stresses you have put on it you are able to function fairly normally.

But, Lordship requires submission in response to His proven love.

Up to this point in your life you have always reserved the right to say no to anything He may ask of you.

It is a power and ability that each of us has.

But, the implication of saying Jesus is Lord is that I have given up that right and said to Him, “Whatever you ask of me I will do it as you give me grace.”

Your growth into the fullness of all that His love would provide for you requires that you allow Him to be Lord with absolutely final authority over all your decisions.  It requires giving up your right to live a self centered life.

All of creation is waiting with anticipation for you to decide.

His, thus Yours,

Stuart

Worth Thinking About Again

The following story has often been told.  I do not know it to be true.  But it illustrates some concepts worth remembering.  How many things do you glean from it?

Bill has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes.  This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.  He is brilliant.  Somewhat esoteric and very, very bright, Bill became a Christian while attending college.

Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it.

One day Bill decides to go there.  He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair.  The service has already started.  So, Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat.  The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat.  By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.  Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.  (Although this is perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, it had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.

About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.  Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit, and a pocket watch.  Very elegant, very dignified, very courtly, indeed, the very image of a Godly man, the deacon walks with a cane.  As he approaches, walking toward this boy, everyone is excusing him silently cheering him on.  After all, you can't blame him for what he's going to do.  How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor? 

It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.  The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the deacon's cane.  All eyes are focused on him.  You can't even hear anyone breathing.  The people are thinking.  Even if the preacher could compose his text, no one would hear him until the deacon has done what he has to do.

In silence they watch this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill so he won't be alone. 

Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control he says, "What I'm about to preach, you may never remember.  What you have just seen, you should never forget."

His, thus yours,

Stuart

Man up guys: Love Her

A friend asked to respond to a quotation she sent me.  What follows is my response to her.  Father says you might find it helpful.

Dear (Friend),

You remain a beautiful person who embodies God's love for people in the world.

Your quote contains 3 sentences I will address each separately:

1. THE MALE IS THE ONE TO BE HELD IN HIGH ESTEEM.

This statement is false as it is written. It contains a correct concept. But it is mis-stated. Many males are despicable and not to be esteemed. If we were to limit the Males to just a woman's husband, the statement is still false. The husband is to be respected by his wife. That is somewhat different than esteemed. The husband is a not "THE ONE" to be respected. The wife is also to be respected. But much more than respected she is to be loved by her husband in the same selfless self-sacrificing way that Jesus loves the true Church, His Bride. Far more responsibility is placed on the husband than on the wife. Tragically few husbands "man-up" to the responsibility.

What does it mean to love as Christ loves?

First and foremost Christ gave up every thing He had a right to; He sacrificed even His own life to wash away all the blame we the Church deserve. He took the blame on Himself while we were still insulting Him and willing to crucify Him. Second, Christ gives to His Bride not only His life but also His own Spirit; thereby He empowers His Bride to do everything the Father asks her to do. Third, Christ provides for His Bride abundantly; He gives her all that she needs and far more. He pours out for her until she has so much she can freely share with others and even let some go to waste. Fourth, Christ extends undeserved grace to His Bride such that every mistake she makes, every wrong she commits toward Him or toward others, He takes on as His own responsibility refusing to let any blame be placed on His Bride. Then, He gently cleanses her from all the guilt splashed on her by the enemy. He does this so carefully that even He can not see any fault in His Bride at all. Christ makes Himself a servant to His Bride.

2. The woman is to submit to him if she has ANY hope of having a well established home.

The home is established by God through the husband. The wife joyously joins herself with both God and her husband as the home is maintained. However, it remains the husband's responsibility to seek to conform himself to the Lord and model Jesus in the home regardless of how the wife may or may not respond. In fact, whether the husband is living in a proper set of relationships, submitting and receiving submission, has far greater effect on there being peace and good order in the home. It gets better when the wife joins with Him in Godly relationship, but it primarily depends on the husband.

The concept of submission has been grossly distorted by selfish men for their own self-glorification. In its fundamental sense it has to do with willingly receiving that which is being freely given by the one submitted to. Thus, a child receives from his loving parents. A worker receives from his employer. And, a healthy well cared for wife, joyously receives all that is being poured out for her from her husband. Please note, only a fool receives what is being poured out by someone he/she does not trust.

In my sixty years of observation, reading and listening I have never found a woman who does not joyously receive all that her husband offers, if he has first selflessly loved her as Christ loves the Church. It is surprising how few men realize that the reason their homes and sex lives are suffering is because they have not learned to love their wives as Christ loves.

3. It is through the woman that the male gains his castle.

This is completely false. Rather it is through God that man is empowered to build a strong complete and fully furnished castle wherein he can serve and protect, first, his wife; second, his children; third, any members of the body of Christ; and fourth, all the strangers God may send to rest within his gates.

As you read this and marvel at the tremendous responsibilities God has placed on each husband, never forget that the wife only enjoys the fruit of her husband/caretaker to the extent she is willing to open herself allowing his life to touch her. The wife who responds to her loving husband with respect and receptivity in the very deepest parts of her soul will find that her life is beautiful and her husband is being transformed because he is touching God in her.

I hope this response has been helpful to you.

Stuart

Oh, one more thought, please remember that each of us, husband or wife, has only one Lord.  His name is Jesus.  The husband's job is to empower his wife to hear God.  It is not to take God's place trying to be a lord over his wife.
sbm