The capacity of people to rationalize and self-justify is amazing.
"Did you take out the garbage ?" -- "No. But, I was distracted by a phone call from Aunt Mabel."
"Yes, God, I know you want me to stop watching pornography. But, I have needs."
"No, officer, I didn't stop at the stop sign but I slowed down and looked both ways."
"Darling, I am so sorry it hurt your feelings when I screamed. But, you just wouldn't listen to me."
Notice in these real-world examples the things that are not said.
"Actually, I care so little about our home and household that it really wasn't important to me to take out the garbage."
"God, I am really more important than you are and I get to do what I want regardless of what you want."
"Officer I really don't care what the law says and I don't care who gets in an accident, because I'm not paying attention."
"Darling my failure, my loss of self-control, is your fault not mine. In fact, it's really God's fault. He is the one who gave you to me."
My dear friend, the late John Moreland, was often heard to say, "Do not ruin a perfectly good apology by making an excuse." It has often been said, "The way to tell sheep from goats is that goats are always butting."
In the Scriptures we are taught that Godly sorrow leads to repentance. And that repentance from our evil ways is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship with God the Father. Please, notice that not all sorrow leads to repentance; only Godly sorrow leads to repentance. So, you ask, "What is the difference?"
Consider Esau, the Old Testament brother of Jacob, in Hebrews we are told that Esau could find no place of repentance even though he sought it with tears. Why could Esau find no place of repentance? He could not find it because his sorrow was not Godly. What, you say, he obviously was sorrowful. He even cried. That's true, but what was his sorrow for? Esau had great sorrow over the fact that his father gave the birthright to his brother. When you go back and read the Old Testament account, you see that Esau's regret was because he lost the birthright. Esau never expressed regret that he had despised the birthright that was given to him by God. Esau never expressed regret that he traded that valuable gift of God for a simple bowl of vegetarian soup. He chose not to use the talents God had given him as a great hunter. Instead, he let his brother do the work. (It's much like many modern church goers who despise their birthright to hear God in exchange for letting a brother do the work and prepare a sermon.)
Many of the "apologies" that I hear currently express no regret for the underlying sin that was committed by the one apologizing. Instead, what is offered are regrets about the consequences of what was done. Husbands are often heard to say they are sorry that the wife's feelings were hurt. Some even go so far as to ask forgiveness for hurting her feelings. The problem with this approach is it is based in deception. The husband is not responsible for the wife's feelings. She is responsible for her internal feelings. He has no control over what she chooses to feel. But he is responsible for how he has acted. He's responsible if he treated her with anger and rage rather than with love and gentleness. He's responsible if he was thoughtless and uncaring about her needs or the needs of the household. An apology for hurting her feelings is a deception. First, it is a deception to try to convince the wife that she is not in control of her own feelings; that he controls her feelings. Second, it is a deception, because it is a pretense of taking responsibility. But it's actually denying responsibility for his actions which he could control.
There is a way to solve these problems. Each of us must learn how to express our repentance truthfully. First, figure out what was done that was actually wrong. What has God given the responsibility for that was not done? What commitment was made that was not fulfilled? What was done that was prohibited? Once we have the answer to that question, we go to the one offended and become very specific. For example, one might say, "Darling, I was wrong. When I failed to take out the trash I was not treating our home with the value that God has said it has. I repent, and as God gives grace I will value our home correctly in the future. Please, forgive me?" And, please, take note that the word "but" in an apology usually introduces our excuse as to why we are not really responsible.
It is unfortunate when our children, our disciples, our loved ones, and the world rarely hear men of God admit that they are wrong and ask for forgiveness. But if we choose not to let them see it, how will they know what to do when they have done something wrong?
When we come before the God of the universe, forgiveness is readily available. It was already paid for by the blood of Jesus. However, the promise of God is when we confess our sins, He will not only forgive our sins, but, also cleanse us from all the unrighteousness. When we choose not to identify our sins, we make it impossible to confess them. In our relationships with God and with other people, we must come to the place of recognizing what we have done wrong. In the Kingdom of God wrongs can be made right. But, the man who cannot see what he's done wrong will simply continue in the unrighteousness of it. He will do it again and again and again, because he has never come to grips with the real problem.
I pray for each of us that we would allow the Holy Spirit's spirit of truth to so transform us that we would be able to admit even to ourselves the things that we have done wrong and find the freedom that God offers.
His, thus yours,
Stuart
